You're a womanizer and a bitch.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
