Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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