Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize