I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
