is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
