So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
