Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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