She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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