My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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