I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I FOUND THE LEGS
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
