He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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