the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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