I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
