Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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