i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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