when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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