it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
