apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Come see our sink grown plant.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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