We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
