Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
