I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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