well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize