I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
