Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
