i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize