Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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