you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
