True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
