I'm so fucking centered right now
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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