I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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