Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
