Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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