hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
