Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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