Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
