He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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