i already hear my dad disowning me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
