She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
