dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize