Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
