Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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