mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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