Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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