Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
