I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
