yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
