david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize