saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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