The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
