fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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