We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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