ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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