I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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