I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
