P.S. I can't hear my feet
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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