those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pants are for mortals
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
