Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
