the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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