you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
